White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
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