i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
