what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
