I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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