1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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