eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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