it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
