he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
