May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
