So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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