They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
