I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
