I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
