he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
