Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
false alarm. still invincible.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize