I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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