I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
