In the future we'll all be gay
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
