I can text with my tongue
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize