dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
