Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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