so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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