True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
