at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize