I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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