Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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