I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
