you traded sex for a burrito?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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