Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
