Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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