I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
