Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
