Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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