I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
