I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
