Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
