are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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