I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
