Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
