if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
