Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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