do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
