Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
