I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
