if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
