Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Randomize
