I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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