you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
