DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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