At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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