im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
