Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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