can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
