oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
