the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
