Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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