Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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