Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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