She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize