Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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