I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
