So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
