A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
