did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
