sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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